Years ago, I learned a simple fact of life. That greed, money, power, corruption are just not some thing that I thrive on. They are like shackles on the mind. Limiters of freedom, controls of the very things that are distractions of life. They take away the good, the loving, the most positive things in life.
They are some thing enslaves all of humanity all over the universe at one time or another, at one pace of life.
This evening I was reminded of my personal story. That I was not going to see my sick father who on his own has a weak heart, a chronic disease that took him away from his family for most of his life. It may be one of the only diseases in one of its forms that is a choice can change from living as a normal human being to someone who has to live decades in and OUT medical care settings.
I could not go see him because I do not have the financial resources. I too suffer from this debilitating disease. I TOO have the chronic symptoms & kidney issues because for two decades I did not take care of myself. I have had the retinal, the foot infections, the heart attacks. I have been in out and out of the Emergency Rooms with pneumonia, bronchitis.
Some around me say that I am a spitten image of my father's life journey. That I learned all of my life from him. The failed relationships, friendships, the usury of people?
There are some things in life throughout this experience, you begin to wonder life is really worth living. The day-to-day pain, the mental anguish, the chemical imbalances, the stress of the a failing body. The insufferable loss on some many different levels.
I cry every night wishing & wondering from the higher power what would he want me to come back tomorrow to do. No life is worth losing what I have had to endure. Even the more horrible cancerous chronic disease takes its toll faster than the decades long than the nightmare that has consumed me and my family.
But what seems to me to be the worst thing another human could do without any sensible reasoning is to tell a fellow family member that you cannot see them BECAUSE you don't have a penny, a dime, quarter, a dollar, ten dollars? To go see a dying family member who maybe on their last day of life.
That you further do not have the emotional stomach and fortitude to watch what will be happening to you in less than a decade because that family member is living with the same disease, the very same symptoms, the very same issues that you have lived and will live with with the rest of your days and existance. That you will have to watch as the resuscitated shell is living with mechanical means to artificially keep them alive and that you will be that person so very soon.
That you won't have the enjoyment of having children, to have the chance of loving another person or to enjoy happiness of a day because you too are slowly leaving this earth with so much internal strife, medical uncertainty.
Well, I am going to leave this one up to a higher power because there is nothing left within me anymore.......
